God has been gracious. Blesses us with 3 children we’re proud of, a decent roof over our heads and humble businesses that are growing and debt-free. We’ve had disagreements but we know what to do. When one is flaring up the other one just keeps quiet. Let the “tropical depression” pass first and then discuss the matter. The kids see this. This is why they know how to handle disagreements agreeably.

Maintaining a good marriage is not walk in the park. This reminds me of a story. A conversation took place between husband and wife: Wife: ‘What are you doing?’ Husband: “Nothing.” Wife: ‘Nothing? You are so sweet. You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’ Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’ It is not true that most marriages fail. What is true is that most people in the marriage allow it to fail. And what causes this? “WORDS!” Simple yet so sinister. Looks harmless yet so hurtful. While words carry the power to heal, it also carries the power to harm and the truth is that hurting words seem to outnumber healing words everywhere you go. Words may even go unnoticed and it operates covertly. “I’m sorry but don’t love you anymore…” Oh that really hurts and penetrates deep into the recesses of the soul. And the deterioration accelerates at this point. Some people add a lot more chili into the enchilada by saying: “I don’t love you anymore and I am not sure I ever did.” “I’m leaving you. I need more space.” Sounds like the words come straight out of a soap opera series but this scene does happen. Now what do you do? Get a lawyer, go to a counselor? Pack up your things and go to your mother?

Consider this scene in your mind. You’re in a mall. Your child wants something and you are not willing to buy him. He goes into a tantrum. He shouts, he screams and for those who are undisciplined even tried to hit his mother. Does the mother hit him back? Does the mother puts him up for adoption? Does the mother sue her son? No. She ducks; she does nothing because she wants to make sure that she will not “reward” the tantrum and the behavior. The one principle she understands is that she will not be taking the tantrum personally because it’s not about her.

There are many men out there who would not admit it but they are actually in some kind of tantrum experiences. They look at the mirror and are shocked to see the lines and wrinkles on his face. The gray hair comes, some hair disappear. The energy level is no longer high and the younger, tech savvy arrogant kids are threatening to take over his job. His career has reached a plateau. His personal trajectory is no longer arcing upward and it’s more like a flat line on a heart monitor. This gets to even the best of them. “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.” “I want more space.” Sometimes these are not serious words. These are merely tantrum words. So how should you respond? Cry? Weep? Go into a tantrum yourself and recite a litany of the sacrifices you’ve made through the years? But these would have been predictable. Maybe what you need to do is to make sure you are calm, controlled and composed and say: “I don’t believe you.” This is wise and deep. Because whether he means it or not you may not be able to change his mind. What you can do is to control your responses. “You’re no longer the same woman I used to know.” Wow! That may pack a mean punch. But what you need to decide is, “Is this relationship big enough and important enough to fight for?” Maybe this next line would carry the weight of a potential counter punch. “I don’t know how and what you feel at the moment but it will not be powerful enough to stop me from continuing to love you and support you.” And then you give him space. Give him time to figure things out. There are many men out there who are having mid-life tantrums. These advices may not work all the time but you are still responsible for living your life well and doing your best to care for your family. But the one thing I know works best. Pray. Pray that God would use this opportunity to bring the two of you to a personal relationship with Christ in a more intimate way. Do not let tantrum words destroy what God has put together. Erma Bombeck says: “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

Don’t just assume your marriage will work. Work on your marriage every day. You don’t just grow your business, you grow in your marriage relationship as well.

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Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

“Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

So I guess that took care of business.

Kids. We just have to deal with them with the right words.

Some parents are so exasperated with their kids and the way they behave and you see this visibly as you hear their conversation-taking place.

One father said, “My son has a new nickname for me-”Baldy.” And so I told him,” said the father: “Son, I’ve got a new word for you-”Heredity!”

One father complained that his son is at that age where he’s got to be so cool.

“Dad, can you drop me a block away so I won’t be embarrassed?”

“You want to be really cool, walk the five miles!” Says the dad.

Being cool means knowing the names of the latest bands. There is a band, no I’m not making this up, named “Garbage.”

“Son, what is that garbage you’re listening to?”

“Hey dad, I didn’t know you were that cool!”

“What is that crap?”

“No dad, Crap opened for Garbage.”

“Son, this is madness!”

“Dad, Madness broke up over a year ago! You’re really not so cool.”

How could the father know that all those ugly words pertained to the names of different musical bands?

One father is just about given up. He says: “My son’s got roller blades, a skateboard and now he wants a BMX bike. And so I told him, “Son, if you want to die let me kill you. I save money and we both get something out of it!”

When I’m tired and I’m about running low on patience, then that’s the time I make sure that I should be very careful with the words I use on my kids. One incident never left me. Bryan came to me with a red mark on his report card. Every vein and artery within my system begins to boil and was about to blow up. How easily I would have said, “You’re a big fat failure.” Boy, I was that close to saying it. But out of the mercies of God I said instead, “Bryan, I am absolutely disappointed with what you did or what you failed to do. But I have my full confidence that you could do better and I know you will.”

So what happened there? Well, I separated the event from the person, the sin from the sinner. Had I told him to his face that he was a failure, it carries the potential to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and then I will have to regret that for the rest of my life.

No. I don’t want to.

I’d rather affirm, encourage and admonish because I want them to grow up confident, secure and strong knowing that their dad will be there behind them every step of the way.

Parenting is not easy but then every incident and every experience is a learning process. Funny but I had to be a parent in order to understand what my own parents have been saying all along. And mind you I’m still learning. I really am.

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A beggar was down on his luck and was panhandling on a busy shopping district in the city. As a couple strolled by, he called out: “May the blessing of the Lord, which brings love and joy and wealth and a fine family, follow you all the days of your life.”

There was a pause as the couple passed his outstretched hand without contributing. Then he shouted after them, “And never catch up to you!”

Talk about anger. Hmm… where’s the tact.

A businesswoman brought her new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.”

Smiling, she said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.”

“No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really cute.”

“So what do you say to the others?” she asked.

And the doctor said, “When I can’t say you have a cute baby, I just say…He looks just like you.” At least the doctor knows how to be careful with his words.

Now listen to this story.

Three salesmen were driving cross country when their car broke down far from civilization. After walking for some distance they came to a farmhouse. They asked the farmer if there was a service station nearby. He replied that there was one in town but that it wouldn’t be open until the next day. He offered to let them stay at his house that night, on one condition… “Don’t draw attention to my son, he’s very sensitive because he was born without any ears.”

After agreeing to his wishes the salesmen spent the night with the farmer. The next morning at the breakfast table the son noticed that the salesmen were staring at him. “What are you looking at?,” he demanded. The first salesman replied, “I was looking at your beautiful smile, it’s important to take care of your teeth so you don’t have to wear dentures.”

The second salesman said, “I was looking at your thick curly hair, it’s important to take care of your hair so you don’t go bald and have to wear a wig.” The third said, “I was looking at your clear blue eyes, it’s important to take care of your eyes,… Lord knows you can’t wear glasses.”

I mean how tacky can you be? Words are powerful. And we have to learn how to use it appropriately.

A young man was applying for a job as clerk in a shoe store. The store owner asked him, “Suppose that a lady customer asked you, ‘Don’t you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?’ What would you say?” The young man responded promptly, “I’d say, ‘Oh, no ma’am! If anything, one is a little smaller than the other.”‘ That is tactfully said.

Before speaking, take a few moments to think through what we are going to say.

The moment words leave our mouth, they are no longer ours and we have to be accountable. Words may harm and words may heal but sadly, the harming words usually outnumber the healing words.

Do not use words to throw mud at people. And believe me there are many who do. One thing I know about throwing mud at other people is that you get your hands dirty and you lose ground. ( pun intended )

And what happens when others verbally attack you? How should you respond?

Learn a lesson from General Robert E. Lee.

General Robert E. Lee was asked what he thought of a fellow officer in the Confederate army who had made some derogatory remarks about him. Lee rated him as being very satisfactory.

The person who asked the question seemed perplexed. “General,” he said, “I guess you don’t know what he’s been saying about you.”  “I know,” answered Lee. “But I was asked my opinion of him, not his opinion of me!”

This is what makes him great as a leader and as a soldier.

You cannot control what others say about you but you certainly can control what you say about others. Let your words be seasoned with grace and do not allow corrupt communications to come out of your mouth. A major part of self-control is tongue-control.

And what happens when people slander you with vicious and malicious words?

My family and I have been on the receiving end of this experience and the attacks are vicious. The attacks have not just continued, they have indeed intensified. Sending mysterious and anonymous brown envelopes to business executives and owners containing fabricated stories and charges against me. I have to admit that this is a game I do not know how to play. I have always believed that people of nobility and character would never do things like these. It is painful to realize that slander and smear campaign are painful but it becomes more  painful specially if they come from people you have helped and cared for in the past.

But here’s my take on this.

If you have experienced this, then remember the lessons I have learned from this.

There’s no doubt that slander hurts. There is only one letter difference between “words” and “swords”. But do not dignify false accusations by being defensive and do not glorify evil by becoming like your slanderers. If you are on the side of truth then truth itself defends you.

Harvey Mackay said it best when he said: “Do not wrestle with a pig. The first reason is that you get dirty and the second reason is that the pig loves it.”

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